numb start

slowly i learn to shut down. i will have ONE good cry and you'll never see me shed a tear again. its like how after something REALLY bad happens, i learn from it and when it happens again i brace it with a brave face. i think nothing can shock me to the core anymore. not that i am asking for something shocking to top anything off but i think things have been pretty shitty and i'm okay with it.
i love my friends here to bits. even the ones away. way away. i do miss them but the transition and busy life made it hard to really feel the empty missing feeling. maybe i am content. maybe i feel that i am not missing out on anything. just so many questions.
i wanna be here but i wanna disappear too sometimes. into thin air.