July 24th 2003

i finally made my kakak to climb up that ladder to get at least one of the heavy boxes down and inside i found every single notebook i wrote in; all the colors and sizes and contents which became witnesses during my high school days. before blogs became pivotal in one's everyday lives. i wrote poetry about boys, angry notes to my dad and even suicide-esque notes when i felt angry with life at 13. one entry in a zebra printed book binder was an entry i wrote about how my day went on the 24th of July back in 2003. i wrote the entry in August and it was the first entry on the very first page.

apparently that day i followed Amy to school earlier than usual (6.15AM) with the excuse to finish up my economics homework but truth be told was because i wanted to see a boy whom i had the biggest crush on. i apparently saw him and "made it even more obvious because he was looking straight at me too". and then after school i called Aisya and told her all about it; those typical adolescent conversation about how stupid i looked and how hot he looks. yeah i know; i was one of THOSE girls. yeah whatever. and then i wrote how at around 4 my dad got a call from the hospital where my grandmother was staying and EVERYBODY rushed there. mom said i had to look after the house "in case of anything". deep down i knew what "in case" meant.

"i knew something was wrong because my left eye kept twitching. my mom rang and told me Tok Mummy isn't doing very well. I cried in her bedroom. I regretted not talking or seeing her earlier. Went upstairs to watcg tv. Stayed on the discover channel. Mom sms-ed me that Tok Mummy just passed away.... i ran downstairs to tell everyone. I didn't cry. It was for the good"

and it ended 2 lines into the second page.

i had this sudden memory of sitting beside the drain outside my house; at the back where the rambutan trees were and was talking to Steffi. asking her how things was over at the hospital. and she whispered not good and i knew it was real because Steffi sounded quiet and she's never that way.

the transition of the day scares me as i'm reading the note back. its just fucking hurts.