subliminal pain

Thursday, October 22, 2009 9:59 AM


you know how sometimes you know things are hurting you, yet you stick by it?
so maybe i am blowing things out of proportion by having these paranoid dreams of the end of the world & dying in a freak accident. but the swirls of events relating to what i feel is so hard to falter from. the reality sinks in that everyone has the very potential of disappearing forever leaving everyone else hanging in the gallows wishing they could have done more. so maybe i don't have super powers to stop the inevitable grim reaper from plucking out lives like daisies. but the fact that something as inevitable as dying can actually happen to people close to you is fucking scary. i keep telling myself that acceptance is key but how can i accept everything after promises are made. maybe i am still grieving for my loss years ago. i haven't found a way dealing with it and tattooing my back does not count as a healing process. yes, i've accepted that the people that made me ME are no longer here. those promises of watching me grow and attending my wedding even are now gone to dust. perhaps i cannot handle being alone most of the time because it makes me have these thoughts in my head. i never had to be alone before knowing they were always a door away. now i'm constantly waking up to an empty house, having dinners alone on the couch, struggling to wake up knowing i would not have anyone to greet me or ask me how i am or to make me eat more.
so is it wrong to want to live in this bubble where nobody i love dies & everyone lives happy?

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