the opposite of depression cannot be happiness

Pierre Choiniere


depressing and teary text messages is all the rave right now. how sitting still just staring at an empty wall could bring a rush of unwanted and unplanned emotions. everything just crashing into a domain only meant behind private doors are now intruding happy spots and moments. snapping into the train of depressing thoughts occurs at any given moment despite knowing subliminally what may trigger them. this entity has got to be the biggest thing that has affected me ever; just the thought of it sends shivers down my spine. how it made me cry every time listening to certain songs. how 23 is the best song ever written by Jimmy Eat World. how it sends me doubting my existence and making me look like an ungrateful fool in the face of god. so yes, i've been talking to god lately. just because i need some form of answers to this predicament that has been lingering for awhile. my no-regrets philosophy in life has replaced the supposedly regret-feeling into a feeling seeking some kind of compensation for my actions. its like this constant run to a dead end and me hoping and wishing that there really is actually a door on that wall for me to escape. i want something more and something worth it and i really believe that i deserve such a thing. how waiting has gotten me lose my self control; turning into this person i would never have known merely 2 years ago. the things i've done, the people i've met along the way and the appreciation of my existence is something i would have never imagined of obtaining in a million years. still there is this void. this void somewhat makes me doubt my capabilities into getting what i really and truly want and this feeling somehow is straying me even further from getting it; as ironic as it may sound. the answers are in my head and i am just storing it aside with no way of fully admitting what i truly want out loud. see, i am still a shy wallflower. talking about wallflowers; we all know the perks of being one but no good thing goes unpunished. the perks of observing life as it is has a downfall for a potential heartache. seeing what you don't want to see makes this wallflower business frustrating as hell. espionage skills are tested with never a good ending. interpretations done just hurts you with no way of telling a soul about it without sounding like a complete idiot.

so yes, i'm admitting this. i am hurt and it sucks. i asked for heartache but not like this.