pre-22

this is tragic as the other tragic stories i have lived with. today i woke up in a state that people in America would pay $300 for therapy with. i am almost at the verge of tears every 5 minutes. and listening to my own heavy breathing does not sound sexy at all. cold sweats? check! racing heartbeat? check! i know i've been writing about it a lot recently. with the escalation of work i suppose things have reached it's boiling point leaving me at this depressing state of shock. it's not that i get all retarded and cease to function. i still do my job at my pace but when the anxiety strikes, i feel like i am slowly falling apart and that the world should just swallow me whole.

it's almost my birthday and i am alone. alone and feeling like shit in my own room. a first with nobody to confide with at a touch of a button because everyone is just so far away. i cannot afford paying for long-distance phone calls now that i am paying my own bills. i miss my friends as desperately i miss doing the things i used to. playing truant, sleeping till the afternoon with no guilt or simply relaxing and being able to go absolutely crazy. i am constantly tensed and i feel like i am withdrawing from myself in every way possible. i now feel like i have to act like i give a shit or that i am super happy when honestly i am either really anxious or just plain numb. i'm crying now and it's making my back hurt. i don't even know why i am crying and feeling so miserable when i have everything going for me. it is not that i am ungrateful it is just that sometimes i feel like i am doing this because i am owing people my dreams. i am so scared of screwing up that it has resorted me to beg god in letting things fall into place.

i think of god more often now. not in a religious way but i think of god as a creator and the one who can determine my fate. i don't do things to get to his good graces or ask for superficial things anymore. i just think of him whenever i can because i know someone out there is putting a good word for me. I don't know why or how i deserve to have what i have right now because looking back, i don't think i have done great things to deserve the opportunity i've been given. which is why i worry all the bleeding time about screwing up and even losing faith in myself.

it's been a crazy year. and i am glad all of that happened. i am someone with very little regrets & tonight i'm just gonna wish myself a happy birthday with a little irony of the word happy. it's just at this moment i am not feeling it yet.

cheers.