i took a bath with a sociopath

I’m pathologically addicted
To what you call a dickhead
Cheaters and liars seem to light my fire
And God I’ve gotta get clean.

random-est song yet.
loves it :)

p.s. anya marina - sociopath

served single with a side of insanity

i dunno.
i don't know.
i dunno.
i don't know.

today felt almost torturous. the strike of midnight led to chaos on my part as i see things with a little different perspective. the toss and turn was almost worth it if i was bloody certain. the struggle to concentrate and keeping my head afloat was a burden. my cheeks hurt from lying in awkward positions. i swore time cheated me seconds at a time. i tripped and tumbled on cracks a few times in less than 8 hours. did you drug me in my sleep?

the anxiety attack is back again.

and this time, i know why.

just ask the question; come untie the knot

suitable music

and i started looking for a warning sign...

so i guess it has come to this. the words are now pouring out like an unstoppable force before i have proper moments to pause and take a breather. i'm admitting to things i usually don't and i feel a bit elevated from where i am sitting/lying. i am beginning to like this for what its worth. no expectations, no negativity. this has got to be the largest grain of salt i'm taking. slowly the degree is shifting and i'm completely stunned and gave up trying to read this fortune any further. wow just wow. i'm just gonna take it and go! haha.
no point writing all this bottled up sense of wow-wow-whee and fa-la-la-la-la's because nothing is sadder than a very over-excited happy note. there's always this sense of fear inside of me that when everything melts into butter and swirls into the gutter (i made a rhyme hey!), there's nothing worst than reading back those happy notes knowing that there can never be a happy ending. i'll feel stupid writing about it after. i'm keeping this fa-la-la-la-la's in my own happy jar thanks :)

off to class.

oops is an understatement

fucking hell i am back to square one with this one. the general idea and perception regarding the situation is in dire need of a confrontation on both parties and i don't think i am ready to be the first one. egotistical standards are standing in the way; shielding ourselves with this false hope of the other caving into theirs without breaking our own barrier. ideally i would have said something but i am on a brink of falling head first into the abyss and not knowing what is waiting for me down there. i have changed and coming to terms that sometimes letting them run around the bushfire a million times before actually reaching me is the best way to test how much they are willing to sacrifice. i want their blood and sweat and i am not ashamed of wanting it all. caving in would be easy and actually speaking aloud what i want. the conclusion would come as no shock to plenty but maybe those i've stepped on too often might have a word or two to say about this weird arrangement. i no longer want to be the one who is always pressured to get something done if not nothing will be resolved. why do i have to come out strong and then have this expectation of doing everything else on my own? for once can the damsel be me instead. i deserve every bit of this hot-and-cold treatment towards them after all the rejects and mutilated beings that have been sent to me. i've fallen yes, and even crawled on all fours to get what i want which ultimately i may not have gotten after all. those were low points of my life. i lowered the standard and gotten myself trapped between the amount of efford i've put in and getting a load of crap at the end of the day. the equation is messed up and i guess that is the reason why i cannot do what you expect me to do at this point in time. for once just say it and mean it because being obvious does not help the blind. this hokey pokey game you are playing is tiring me out because i never know what you are saying and doing when i don't even know the meaning of any of it. i am coming on empty trying to figure this out when i know i shouldn't. i don't think things were ever complicated. its so easy. the most basic thing anyone can expect but the heavy, dark cloud of denial and the push and pull is making this difficult to understand.

wow, you actually peeked inside ;)

i'm on fire

i wonder how people suddenly blow up in flames. too hot to handle takes a literal meaning.

another night alone at home. i'm already feeling the confinement within these four walls. how stupid and preschool this feels like. how i can never have real guts standing up for my rights and rebelling against someone i should be rebelling against. am i losing my hardcore ways? not that i was REALLY hardcore to begin with anyway. i guess in my head i'm thinking that this is the least i can do without further pushing their over-used buttons. i consider myself lucky to still have my limbs attached and a home to live in despite coming home pissed drunk, tattooed, shaved and smelling so foul they can only wonder what i HAVEN'T done. and yet they don't say a word despite my brutal honestly of my shenanigans outside the safety zone they call home. i have cool and understanding parents as compared to the uptight ones that i know. their conservative ways does not effect me and the least they can say is by telling me to "cut down on the intake..." thats it. and the infamous "use plastic..." - its rubber mom but i still think you are funny.
i have once considered actually going head on in this whole acting out business only to get cold feet at the mere thought of my dad throwing a fit. animals will suffer heart attacks before i do. so i'm staying in despite its a Friday night. i'm saying no to Clashyard, dinner with the loves as well as quality time with other folks i have grown to love this past couple of days. its so hard yet so easy.

at least i get to save money. thats one good way of looking at it.

have a great Friday night.

don't judge me

i'm sorry if my choices offends you in any way. honestly at times i rather pick others over what i should be choosing and maybe that might have caused the slight rift i am getting at this end of the line. the new company has allowed me to make these options entirely my own without thinking of the cost. i may sound a tad bit selfish but aren't we all built that way? i no longer have to hide behind obligations i should not be making for my sake especially when i treat this as a chore. you out of all people should understand where i am coming from. maybe its because we no longer have anything in common anymore. the conversations and secrets just don't have that vest we spoke of so often. we hide behind our new lives and slowly we are no longer included in each others. this i don't mind because i've already made the decision to steer away before anything else fails us. it was unfair of me to judge you to begin with especially when i strongly preach on personal opinions. i made myself into a hypocrite just so i could justify what i was feeling towards you lot. as mentioned over and over again, i don't hate you for the sake of hating you. but the slight pressence of negativity is slowly clouding this charade we are putting up with. i don't like talking about you behind your back because those are low points of my life. i just don't want to live in this lie just so we can smile and be happy in each other's pressence and start making faces after. we are now more braver to say no and decline not-so-sincere invitations because the grass seems greener on the other side and the outcome are usually more fruitile that what your side has got to offer. maybe i am the only one who is admitting this because i've sensed this from the very beginning when you still had your eyes closed and shrouded in heavy denial. every conversation we've been having have been censored out and forced because i feel bad for not filling you in. so yes i do prefer this new-found company to be more liberating and understanding and i'm sorry if this might hurt you because its almost very true. i think we've known everything about each other a little too long for you to sense my evolution and changes which you thought you would not get to see coming and that you may not like this me anymore. that i completely understand. we've gone through this long enough that i am starting to complain and its tiring. maybe its because you just don't get me anymore. i hope you are happy where you are right now and that you could have seen this coming too. because i am content and never been sure of this in my entire life.

<3>

Something to write about

everything seem to be under a halt. the fast pace is finally slowing down just when i am ready to take them in and run along its course. i am obviously bored out of my witless mind with nothing comparative to write about. damn i don't even know the main idea and purpose of me writing this in the first place. maybe if i just get the words flowing something is bound to flicker in this mind of mine. there's simply nothing much to say because am i finally feeling content? its true that i find writing those meaningful ramblings of a note on Facebook as therapeutic and i swear it was my savior from making terrible mistakes and impulses. this sense of serenity is making me jittery. wow is this what peace feels like? things in head seems a little bit clearer now as i can easily make decisions without a doubt. there's no more mix feelings whatsoever anymore as i am now finally certain that if i let things run its course i will someday eventually find something i would be attracted to. everything that has been happening this past couple of weeks just happen to happen under false pretenses and i am not complaining about them one bit anymore. things happen and i just have to deal with it.

the last thing on my mind should be the reputation agenda. never had i actually thought about the concequences of my actions so much as i am now. i cannot stop what others are going to see and say because i really do believe that people are indeed entitled to their own opinions. the bitching and expectations these individuals hold does not bother me despite those moments of curiosity which want to lead me to the culprit. i am not going to hold your tongue and so i am allowing it to wag free.

wednesday was a good day as everything was laid across the table and the conclusions we've made about friends and foes. how the drama brought us closer together. a very unexpected bunch i don't think anyone could have predicted. but it was like a breath of wholesome fresh are that day. from emotional heartfelt conversations to seizure-worthy laughters which literally scared off neighboring customers. how we need more company like this around. i can safely say this brought a whole new level of friendship in my part.

i am already growing tired of the games you are playing. so maybe i am just going to jog in one spot in hopes you'll give me something to run to. there's no more expectations where you are standing because a long time ago, i've stopped believing in fairy tales and the prince charmings ends up looking like pretty gay boys. i'm sticking around because i enjoy the given company and the attention. that is as honest as i can get. but hey, which girl doesn't?

okay points proven and i seriously need to get out of my pyjamas.

hello. my name is...

nadia.

i am here because these past couple of months i could not blog on Xanga because of the lousy connection and the inability of it to load. waiting for the applet to load for more than 15 minutes shot through my patience threshold. i guess i am here because everybody is and i hope you will read this religiously.
i am a facebook note addict and i am growing tired of accidents leading to the deleting of say brilliant note because i get too excited and accidentally click on a link taking me to a different page and thus unabling me to save the said note.
give me awhile to get used to this...