0223 Hours

i'm sleepy. very sleepy. and with nobody to listen to me crap about my sadistic life since it's bloody 2 in the morning, i might as well crap all i want here. well, what can i say. life is too interesting that it got much more interesting this couple of days. with the exception of my fibroid and a lame ass valentine. poobah!
it makes more sense when i am the major cause for my own confusing state of living. since many people say that we are in control of our very own life whether we like it or not. someone may influence you into doing something and they can never make you do something you rather not commit. it's your very own will that makes you react the way you are right this second. it's yours and my choice. it has always been that way even if we never took a moment to realize this totally bogus and unfair fact. so what's my point in telling this well...
sometimes i'm blinded by denial and probably the possibility of withdrawal. but i probably would think it's the first choice. not so long ago, a really great confidante pointed out a theory that i found myself laughing for a whole minute before realizing that she might have spoken the truth i've been keeping silent for awhile. so i brushed away the throught in my head and focused on something quite imaginary. an act of a child has made me deny. deny. deny.
so now what happens?
so here i am. helping people out when i can't even help myself. why must i be so kind? why can't i be selfish just that moment to speak the unspoken truth. must i be the one to watch myself suffer while watching those around me laugh with joy and maybe cry with sorrow while i help them wipe away their tears and only that? i guess it's only right for a friend to do that. which is why i feel as though i'm not a very good friend by asking for more than that.
i am the one who would lend you a shoulder to cry on, would pass you a tissue when your tears are falling, giving you sincere advice to help you move on, i would even do the dirty work for you just so you won't get hurt... you know i would.

but now... i'm still a little confused. just a bit. not more than that. perhaps i'm just so tired. tired. tired. for those who has been with me through thick and thin you know that you could never wear me out! ;)