stop spoiling the fun

my over-analyzing, second guessing and self-doubt thinking is generating enough negativity to light up its own anti-christmas tree. again i question such surprising developments in my life because as mentioned i am constantly reminded of my worthiness for such progress if we shall call it that. the more i focus and place my pessimistic stencil into the equation, i am somehow able to hate this more and more. making things more complex than it already is.
the complexity is magnified with the presence of my doppleganger who is this obsessive, sensitive and insecure bitch. add that in the already messed up equation, you'll get the shittiest feeling ever. the kind of feeling that keeps you awake at night and spacing off when you are with company. The kind that makes you feel like throwing up and hungry at the same time. your heart starts doing irregular flap-jacks all of a sudden making you feel completely idiotic after.
i am into this combative mode when this happens. every good thing is thought of as a lie and the intentions are blurred to paint a delusional picture of deceit. so i do have trust issues. like if i were to grab your hand, i would tie myself to a pole first just in case. that kind of trust. i would still free-fall from a building for you if you were to ask me to but i would get my best friend to secure a safety net below. its the security after the trust that i toss and turn over everything that i do. all this while i am trying to keep myself intact internally and externally/ i show no emotions. that part no doubt i suck at. not an area i plan on focusing on. because if i showed what i really felt that would be the end of it. its something i get to keep including my virtue. something very personal to me.
i've had enough of blunders and misdirections i can endure in this early stage of my life. none of it was worth it. maybe the whole character building did. motivational camps got no shit on me.

this feels like that Russian Roulette thing again.