oops is an understatement

fucking hell i am back to square one with this one. the general idea and perception regarding the situation is in dire need of a confrontation on both parties and i don't think i am ready to be the first one. egotistical standards are standing in the way; shielding ourselves with this false hope of the other caving into theirs without breaking our own barrier. ideally i would have said something but i am on a brink of falling head first into the abyss and not knowing what is waiting for me down there. i have changed and coming to terms that sometimes letting them run around the bushfire a million times before actually reaching me is the best way to test how much they are willing to sacrifice. i want their blood and sweat and i am not ashamed of wanting it all. caving in would be easy and actually speaking aloud what i want. the conclusion would come as no shock to plenty but maybe those i've stepped on too often might have a word or two to say about this weird arrangement. i no longer want to be the one who is always pressured to get something done if not nothing will be resolved. why do i have to come out strong and then have this expectation of doing everything else on my own? for once can the damsel be me instead. i deserve every bit of this hot-and-cold treatment towards them after all the rejects and mutilated beings that have been sent to me. i've fallen yes, and even crawled on all fours to get what i want which ultimately i may not have gotten after all. those were low points of my life. i lowered the standard and gotten myself trapped between the amount of efford i've put in and getting a load of crap at the end of the day. the equation is messed up and i guess that is the reason why i cannot do what you expect me to do at this point in time. for once just say it and mean it because being obvious does not help the blind. this hokey pokey game you are playing is tiring me out because i never know what you are saying and doing when i don't even know the meaning of any of it. i am coming on empty trying to figure this out when i know i shouldn't. i don't think things were ever complicated. its so easy. the most basic thing anyone can expect but the heavy, dark cloud of denial and the push and pull is making this difficult to understand.

wow, you actually peeked inside ;)