sadomasochism

sadism refers to sexual or non-sexual gratification in the infliction of pain and humiliation upon or by another person.

masochism refers to sexual or non-sexual gratification in the infliction of pain and humiliation upon oneself.

you add this 2 together you'll get sadomasochism. and you'll get me (read: non-sexual)

i have succumbed to this. i am not considering what i do as low anymore because i think its just like a disorder or a preference to sound formal. i admit i enjoy feeling pain and maybe at times i like seeing others squirm in their seat over what i do to them.please get the whole leather bondage and scream bloody murder out of your head because its not like that. the thought of inflicting pain can be defined in simpler terms if not literal. a couple of years ago i remembered doing a thorough research on said subject which i guess caused my group mates pain because the topic involved Freud and sex. lots of hot hot sex. the study was different and i think it was the best paper i've ever written. not your everyday cup of tea because i thought the study was a bit graphic. but we scored aces! back to my definition; my form of sadomasochism does not involve sexual gratification because i don't have sex just like how i am openly admitting with no form of embarrassment whatsoever.
lets start with sadism. my ego is probably wounding another person's right now because i find it almost impossible to give in to expectations. i like beating around the bush just so eventually someone else would give in and i would be left with an unscathed ego. this is bad because i think i've agitated enough people asking me what i want/fee/need/etc. and i hate openly admitting because to me it signifies defeat in my part. letting myself being exposed to everything would give me no room to hide and i don't like facing what comes after confrontations; the aftermath. so i usually play coy and am readily in denial to reject the possiblity of the what ifs. i do this because i know i can get hurt. which leads to the contradiction... masochism. despite knowing the fact that i can get hurt in the very end, i'm still willing to grab the bull by the horns. i can't tame the beast and i know i'll get seriously injured if not left to die but the thrill of going all the way to achieve some form of reward or punishment would be worth it at the very end. i may cry and left torn but the fact that something happened instead of nothing pleases me. so i put myself in places i know i would fall with screaming friends telling me to just walk it off. i can't because that would equal to defeat. going all the way is key. so basically i seek situations which i have high chances of receiving something in a form of acceptance or rejection. either way works because then nothing is left hanging or untied.

so basically i am being cryptic and secretive and maybe down right annoying because i am being sadistic as i enjoy watching you figure this out on your own. i know you are curious and i'm not helping. on the other hand this might not pay off as how i want it to be. i know this because eventually you'll move on to better game. and yet i am willing to stick around to see a possiblity of something happening; the good and the bad. i don't think its desperation because i have oppotunities of walking away to other games but i chose not to. wow this has to be something. that is masochism for you. i am willing to expect the pain and tears but please try not to break me anyway even though you can.