for your consideration

i've considered the fact of it happening. & i must say it would not be a bad idea either. i think it would something awesome & spectacular. i do believe that time has ripen us all to evolve this to give it a go. so please God, make this part of YOUR plan for ME. because it's not everyday you wake up feeling SO RIGHT.

♡

sniff the trail out

terry richardson for diesel jeans

it is possible to state the obvious and still get the response you want? i was wondering because that didn't seem to work for me.

mystery solved

lost my bra. made a mess out of my already messy room. so i had to settle for another bra which wasn't as snug. then later in the night just as i was about to get comfortable in bed to sleep, i found it lodged between my mattress and my wall. how did it get there? then i thought of the last time i wore it and hmmm never mind... too late because it brought me back to a couple of weeks ago.

damn it! it's pathetic to have memories like this.

happy beings are beings in denial

Natalia Vodianova for February Vogue UK by Nick Knight

is there such a thing as a permanent form of happiness?

i think not. unless you are drugged up 24/7 & then die a painful death.

so my current form of happiness which is also my depression is my hair. i'm HAPPY that it's finally covering my ears. well almost at least. and DEPRESSED because it's so thick & blah that i cannot do anything about it.

& i'm happy to express all these feelings i've been building up just because 6557 miles is a long way to go in case of a confrontation on said feelings were to happen. seeing you right now will make me go all jelloid & then i would just DIE.

body heat on snow

how can my heart beat NOT go any faster?

not gonna make it

chayamai

but the storm never came. and i don't know whether i should wait for it anxiously or shrug it off. either ways i feel a tad bit better :)

sexy sex (a dirty confession)

zoey grossman

an ex lover, a current interest and the boy of the moment.
hmmm...

stripping down to only skivvies were so 2007.
giggling or arguing over sexy sex scenes in movies while at it is the new fad.
now what will 2010 bring?

there's a possiblity

i don't want yet i do.
& you are kinda in the way.


oh shit. it's happening again.

i'm so glad i found this

cendric delsaux

for the largest Star Wars dork i'll ever know ;)

//

if i didn't say yes to art galleries, things would never had happened.

feelings and shit

the paranoia is getting less and less. i feel the improvement in the term "so over it". yes i am tres proud that i deserve a delicious slice of cake. on the other hand i am not ready nor do i ever want to ever have to deal with that conversation. maybe the whole deprivation episode has put me in a place where i tend to be more heartless and maybe a bit more meh. so how do i explain that to someone who's obviously gone a little too far by going through that whole possessively smitten phase that scares me now? maybe taking that step towards a life-change did somewhat alter somebody's life but i don't think it is really mine. not to a certain extend where i'll go crawling everytime i hear that name. try explaining that.

my oh my. what did i get myself into now?!

palsu

i don't have to keep up with crap. at least no longer.
love is love. hate is hate.
love & hate can be the same thing we chose not to see.

i gave my own up. i gave it up not because i was tired but because i see no point in keeping it.
2012 could happen.
i chose a different circumstance & i'm fucking glad i did.


for hate to happen, love needs to emerge it's head.

why so awesome?!

artwork by Yue Minjun

the laughing chinese boy. shut up please? you're making me blush :)


//

audiobooks are the shit right now. well they were the shit back then and they are making comeback in my DJ Lovechild. just a nasty habit i have which is downloading audiobooks of actual paperbacks i own just because i cannot be bothered to read them myself. i love reading while just chilling out & by chilling out i mean preferably while lying down. holding a book up with arms stretched out tires them causing me to become restless. & then because my arm is up, the air cond chills my elbows making them hurt. thus i have to roll over but reading sideways while wearing glasses is so blinding. now i'm uncomfortable, trying to enjoy a good book but can't that i have to put it down. then the mood is lost & i won't continue reading it ever again leaving it in the cupboard to dust.
so listening to a book is so much easier. i can do it while lying down in the dark to compliment the mood or in the toilet while taking a crap and washing my butt... audiobooks puts multi-tasking to a whole new level. and whats super awesome is that there will always be a bootleg copy of it in cyberspace. they now basically make audiobooks for every book imaginable. maybe for erotica too, for those of you who are interested in literary wanking material.

i'm beat. it's time for a few more chapters of Haunted to ease this gedik feeling.

blood on my sheets

you are starting to make my heart skip a beat. maybe for the wrong reasons but who cares; what was done will never be.
why cry over an already broken carton of spilled milk?

♡

try harder

sexy. i want this so bad. hot boy & long hair included please.

the opposite of depression cannot be happiness

Pierre Choiniere


depressing and teary text messages is all the rave right now. how sitting still just staring at an empty wall could bring a rush of unwanted and unplanned emotions. everything just crashing into a domain only meant behind private doors are now intruding happy spots and moments. snapping into the train of depressing thoughts occurs at any given moment despite knowing subliminally what may trigger them. this entity has got to be the biggest thing that has affected me ever; just the thought of it sends shivers down my spine. how it made me cry every time listening to certain songs. how 23 is the best song ever written by Jimmy Eat World. how it sends me doubting my existence and making me look like an ungrateful fool in the face of god. so yes, i've been talking to god lately. just because i need some form of answers to this predicament that has been lingering for awhile. my no-regrets philosophy in life has replaced the supposedly regret-feeling into a feeling seeking some kind of compensation for my actions. its like this constant run to a dead end and me hoping and wishing that there really is actually a door on that wall for me to escape. i want something more and something worth it and i really believe that i deserve such a thing. how waiting has gotten me lose my self control; turning into this person i would never have known merely 2 years ago. the things i've done, the people i've met along the way and the appreciation of my existence is something i would have never imagined of obtaining in a million years. still there is this void. this void somewhat makes me doubt my capabilities into getting what i really and truly want and this feeling somehow is straying me even further from getting it; as ironic as it may sound. the answers are in my head and i am just storing it aside with no way of fully admitting what i truly want out loud. see, i am still a shy wallflower. talking about wallflowers; we all know the perks of being one but no good thing goes unpunished. the perks of observing life as it is has a downfall for a potential heartache. seeing what you don't want to see makes this wallflower business frustrating as hell. espionage skills are tested with never a good ending. interpretations done just hurts you with no way of telling a soul about it without sounding like a complete idiot.

so yes, i'm admitting this. i am hurt and it sucks. i asked for heartache but not like this.

untitled emotion

no one else will know these lonely dreams
no one else will know that part of me
no one else will have me like you do
no one else will have me only you...

23

hurt

how does the feeling of being battered and abused come from the inside of a beating heart?
the crushing sound of tattle-tales and made up answers sound to an already wounded ear?
hands out stretched to give and give but grasping back nothing but the air around us.
how empty hurt words pounding in my head like a carousel song on repeat.
demonic horses moving up and down scabbing exposed knees
rusty poles cutting palms; staining with blood and metal rusts.
how loyal that i stay up the same horse knowing it is slowly falling apart.

irregularity of a routine

the demise of something so significant brings an emotional turmoil to most if not the brave and emotionless mimes they claim to be.
how we create and destroy something so spectacular with a single drop of doubt puts every other emotion to shame.
to underline the basic emotion with a raw and honest perspective is rare if not impossible to do.
how to describe a feeling so terrible or so great with words that are not created yet for us to fathom properly.
or even body language without pulling the wrong muscle out.
or facial expressions only understandable with the presence of blood and tears.
so much sacrifice for the already suffering.
maybe there is no such thing as a dream nor a reality we are forever building in our lives and in our heads.
could it be that everything there once was, are already in ruins or waiting to be resurrected by another being?
not you, not i; just another breathing being far from our kind.
pure, anti-matter before the burst of chaos shrouding the sky.
clear head; maybe.
how wonderful if we could fall off that bicycle and not get hurt.
where would we be though? if its not here nor there?

undeserved

i don't think i could handle it if you said this was temporary.
or unconsciously it reaches it's finale.

my inability to handle it means shattering to a million pieces. literally.