fiery pants

this fit has to come out sooner or later. maybe not so much of a bitch fit but more towards a disappointed fit which exceeds the feeling of confusion and possible sadness. it came to my knowledge that you out of all people i kinda respected, including people who looks up upon you almost god-like; has this other alternate life created for your own sick and twisted purposes. why you had to do it nobody knows but probably yourself. does it have to do with insecurities or this is just a facade you want people to know you for? when i look at you now, i no longer know if that trust i carefully build can exist anymore. the million conversations are diminishing their truth and beliefs that i'm now denying that any of those things ever happened. maybe we do have our moments when we feel like we need to belong some place or more specifically to some one rather than our parents and friends, but subjecting to creating an illusion of sex, popularity and possibility jealousy is almost sick and twisted. this world you created not-to-perfectly; and i say this because yes, i am admitting i may get a bit too nosy & i have an eye for coincidences and detail; is a bit unbelievable don't you think? it is not as though you live alone in a house like Lars and playing pretend with a blow-up mannequin. you have a life and the way i see it, it is better than most of us will ever have in a lifetime, and yet the act you're pulling seems to crash everything into debris. how will i ever act normally in front of you without rolling my eyes and doubting everything you say? sometimes i manage to piece little slips you've made that annoys the hell out of me. i don't confront you with this because i figured you have your own battles to fight; whatever it may be.
so the point of this is basically in letting you know that i am disappointed. especially after making a whole lot of fun knowing that not too long ago a common enemy made the same sad excuse to gain attention. and i'm sorry for being able to notice these things because no offense, your mistakes can be pointed out quite clearly once you start piecing the coincidences together.

rule of thumb: attention to detail, buddy. you got caught because you were sloppy ;)

weirded out in the morn

i had a dream that i entered this old looking mall slash hotel. inside it was all dimly lit and probably has a wet smell. i remembered going through the place looking for an exit. but then i went up and down flights of stairs. one had those cockroaches on it. not the cockroaches you'll normally see but the ones with the hard exterior from the dinosaur ages. so it was there on the step and i went around it. but when i went across the stairs again, i didn't see it but i felt something HUGE crawling up my leg and it was under my jeans. so i had to try yanking it out and threw it down the stairs. and then i found Julia's room. she was on her doubledecker bed reading a book. she told me to go through the kitchen door to exit but while almost heading out, i saw my dad & he was asking me all sorts of questions and kept showing me his phone cause it has a picture of me. then Aunty Suzy calls me out asking me to go to lunch but it was a fancy lunch and i was suddenly wearing shorts so i didn't wanna go but my dad kept insisting for me to go. somehow then i ended up in the mall with Harith. and then suddenly he said he had to go hide somewhere so he runs off. i wanted to go look for him but then suddenly i saw Steffi and Nicola walking upstairs. i called them out and was a bit upset cause Steffi said she was only coming back in a few days but she lied. and lagi upset was when she was just like "Hi! okay take care of yourself..." and left. oh and then just as i was about to continue looking for Harith, Miriam called me out to help me look for presents for Ammar. she could not decide which teddy bear to get posing with which heart it's carrying. and in the midst of helping her, i was worried that Harith is missing, Steffi had forgotten about me and that i had a cockroach crawl up my leg earlier.

the reason while i'm wrote this down because my dreams never looked and felt so vivid in my life. excuse the sentence construction. had to write it in a hurry before all memories of it are lost in my head.

vain stripes are showing

hardcore electro

drunk shy

my best girlfriends

The Idan

too bright for Nicola


white tuxedo jacket props to my Tok Daddy. made in 1971.
Gold & blue chains by Mommy.
Doc Martens which helped me stay on my feet throughout the night thanks to DJ H3.

psst. it was a secret party & you weren't invited.

2010

(anya loves MY boobs. tee hee!!)

the year 2010 so far:

i have yet smoked a cigarette since my new years eve celebration which by the way was chilled out just like how i wanted. a night spent at a random second-option pub & a random hotel room of a friend's friend's sister turned out better than what i initially planned. laughing out loud in a room of strangers & lovers. 40 minutes of drinking games which tire us all due to age. then the rest of the days of the new year were spent in my room having more than enough sleep and naps which would put any sloths to shame.

i wish i started off with a nice kick in the bum thus making me work like a mare for the upcoming semester-to-end-all-semesters. 3 months and i'm officially out; thrown into a working world that i am starting to dread and get excited about at the same time.

so far, no resolutions, no heavy-duty future planning. just a mental reminder to NOT SCREW THIS YEAR UP. that should be enough to cover everything.

not gonna make it

chayamai

but the storm never came. and i don't know whether i should wait for it anxiously or shrug it off. either ways i feel a tad bit better :)

negative response

all of you can just go to hell because i'm out and done with this bullshit and pack of hypocritical lies that i had to endure just because i thought i had reason. but now that i know better, i believe i am destined to better things than being treated like shit. i don't need another man who degrades me in front of others just to look cool and powerful. and i don't know what your deal is when you make me feel invisible up to the point i feel like evaporating forever from your existence. it hurts to know that some people have that tendency to not think before speaking and going off just cause i am a convenience to them; knowing i will always come back. i wish that i can say that i am strong enough to just literally fuck off for good but that fact is maybe i do care a little too much. so far i have cried over 7 people in my life and you're one of them. because it is true, words really hurt.

i'm so glad i found this

cendric delsaux

for the largest Star Wars dork i'll ever know ;)

//

if i didn't say yes to art galleries, things would never had happened.

new loves

little amie

a good friend once said that the key to happiness is by drowning in tears in the shower and then listening to a good song after. i never did realized the rationale of it all until one day it struck me as to why years ago i wrote in countless essays why my main character would always cry in the rain - to hide the pain as the rain mixes with the tears sending your pain to the ground. there's some symbolic shit right there.
this past couple of weeks has been different and exciting at the same time. hanging out with old beau's i used to discard with the compulsive ideology that i really do deserve better; i now find myself not falling but appreciating them a little but more. a new routine was all i need. from morning breakfasts to movie nights, i am not complaining one bit. i'll always discover new things from the almost-forgotten.
so far i am feeling quite awesome. minus the cough and slight sniffles.

//

on another note:
i've watched New Moon THREE times in less than 24 hours.
call me crazy but i DID NOT watch it for Edward Cullen because in all honesty he's so fugly in the second movie that it makes me doubt humanity's sanity. Jacob Black was so beautiful and perfect that i shivered so many times just by LOOKING at him. uhhhh-uhhhh-ahhhhhh!!! crying and squealing never felt so good during the 2 hours of the movie.
i am so in love with that 16 year old wolf!!!!!!

nobody should take this seriously

today felt like a wasted morning. like i could have spent it better in bed, all cuddled up having awesome dreams. i'm so used to a few naps during the day that even my night time sleep is considered one. can you believe that last night, before proper bedtime, i actually went to sleep for a few hours; waking up only at 10?! crazy balls! then because of my super speed internet, i went on downloading 2 movies; Paranormal Activity & Whatever Works. had a whole argument on Paranormal Activity in the day time on how it's probably the next Blair Witch & how america can only succeed in hand-cam horrors as compared to big budgeted ones. so i managed to download the movie in 35 minutes! YES!!!! super clear dvd quality shit in less than an hour... in freaking BANGSAR! J came over to watch it with me because he apparently has a copy of it in his HD but he misplaced his peen so was too chicken to watch -_-"
i ended up looking bored as hell and laughed at inappropriate places while he was probably talking most of the time; maybe trying to distract himself from being too scared (this has yet to be proven since he's good at denying) - read: misplaced peen.
i think the movie was creative and the storyline and twist was cool if not original. instead of tackling ghosts like typical horror movies, this one is kinda like a demon-esque thing. all in all i was not scared because i think Phobia 2 gave me more shivers & actually made me close my eyes. Paranormal was very nyeh.
still i would think Chiky will scream with Roe; Miriam and me will go "eleh, tu je?!"

comfortability

tonight's night out was a waste of an awesome outfit & make up. not that i bothered much with face cake but i opened a new pack of daily contacts just for the night only to be welcomed with scratchy music and a dead crowd. seeing the same faces isn't as bad but damn i really liked what i wore tonight! fuck it i'm recycling and YOU cannot judge me...

went shopping with the mr-ooooh-H3 today. shopping on his part basically because at the end of the night he lost his appetite knowing he just splurged on a million things. this is so fascinating. never had i seen a boy shop THAT much in 40 minutes in my entire life! maybe Aizat did but not to the extend like today! i am like that red little satan on the shoulder going "yes, that's nice... GET IT GET IT GET IT!!!"

our late night conversations to wrap up the day tonight was sort of a revelation. we realized how we are now super comfortable with the way things are and how we cannot ever imagine being involved with anyone who might get in the way of the current awesome dynamics. which is true. imagine the drama and implications of each other's significant other might bring? no more random pick ups, late night conversations, aimless shopping sprees. whoa... super depressing can die one! yesterday someone asked me how we all came to be and ohmygad can you believe that this all started less than a year ago. and it all happened by chance. but then again this sort of thing happens only once. well i believe so because nothing this awesome can happen to anybody twice right? but either way i fucking love this foul-mouth, tit grabber, music freak, road rage, ladies man, shoe slut of a bestie. despite not admitting that he can make an awesome vampire with his charm on the ladies. oh and he bites too. so what are you waiting for? ;)

harith, i love you and i will stab a million eye balls for you to fill up that jar. peace & love, wigga!

//

i'm craving for a chocolate fudge sundae.

its a boys world

even though i complain; i will always choose the boys. those you have boy friends (notice the space) must surely admit that being with the noted alpha sex always has its perks despite the bickering about how we need more females around. being with the opposite is less complicated in my opinion & this depends heavily on the fact that there is no sexual tension whatsoever. once that sexual tension enters the picture, of course it's a whole different posting. i'm just glad to have to few boys i've met through out the years after leaving the tormenting 11 years in a girls school. you guys made my years so much better. and hey being the only girl is never really a bad thing ;)

cool kids for show

spot the girl.
jebus, sometimes i scare myself with my masculinity.
we sleep, we eat, we talk, we party. work is an exception on weekends.

//

i just came home after going to 4 different places in 10 hours. from Cheras to Putrajaya to Melawati to Kerinchi. eating all the time is not merry. and eating & going places with a hangover & 2.5 hours of sleep is almost a nightmare. please let raya end but the money rolling in?

pain in the neck

first party night with the new hair or lack of depending how you look at it. unfortunately everyone else has yet to upload the pictures and so i had to steal this from the Malay Minimalist ;) was there with the screaming indonesian, the tiny tot with larger than life assets, the girl who adds singapore when completing sentences, the redhead who attracted men who danced funny, the sex on the beach couple and the collar-popping fella.
i had fun. but my neck down hurts thus making me unable to stare down at my own boobs for comfort.
how was your weekend?

paranoid android

went to pj for some 24-hour a&w.
funny conversations in the car about nicking Nick Jonas with Mrina; my current favorite girl just because she caused me a muscle pull from laughing.
waffles at 2 AM was love <3
purple couples stick together.
flies should be remained zipped unless thou like to be smacked in the nuts.
backseat tv show observation.

"honey, it's not a competition because i'm gonna win" - Mrina, 2009.

for jehan omar

who can probably achieve this with a baby bird...

oooh look what i found

krew berbentuk hati @ U.O.X. Play: Steve Aoki

(pic courtesy of TiC)

before the rest of the girls serbu masuk

(pic courtesy of TiC)

at Urbanscapes with my Raquel Allegra inspired shredded t-shirt dress...

(pic courtesy of TiC)

for miriam omar

... who likes fit, non-malay boys (besides Lion Boy of course)

for gwen yeoh

... who likes to chew on cute cats' paws

kuku

interesting nail art by Czech photographer, Vlad Artazov

i'm just gonna put my own captions. some may be inside jokes so only a few might get it.

lonely

passionate sex?

begging a father's forgiveness

violent

miriam & ammar at a park in Singapore

9-months pregnant

steffi when parental funding runs out in Sydney

alone

watching the second season of Skins made me rekindle those old emotions i chose to shut down these past couple of months. its funny how just moments before i pressed play i had a conversation about how certain shows make us feel those pent up emotions and making us feel so effed up; wanting what we can never have or make us realize what we are missing after so long. I feel that now. i've been surrounding myself with great company. something not everybody is lucky to have even a tenth of it; and yet this stagnant feeling of contentment is slowly driving me crazy. sometimes in the company of friends i can feel completely alone. i think this has been surfacing recently.
i don't think i'm miserable. and i don't think i am happy either. i'm neither here nor there and that feeling of being stuck in limbo keeps me up at night. maybe i'm letting go too easily. my coping mechanism is faulty as i may have misplaced feelings or some sort.
whatever it is i hope it goes away. or at least something more news-worthy replaces it.