the mess i've made

iselin steiro by mario sorrenti for Interview March 2010

i would have taken a picture of how my cupboard looked like with literally an avalanche of clothes piled up so high that one could really wonder the struggle i have to go through every time i needed to pick out a top. because how i've already come to terms with the changes in my life that i've decided to do a major spring clean. i threw out a huge bag of clothes which reminded me of how i used to be; clingy clubbing tops, floral dresses, worded t-shirts, DIY projects gone wrong & clothes 2 sizes too small. i guess i no longer have the problem of holding onto things which are irrelevant to me. this applies to other real-life scenarios. why hold on to things which were once phases in your life you have no intention of going back to?

fiery pants

this fit has to come out sooner or later. maybe not so much of a bitch fit but more towards a disappointed fit which exceeds the feeling of confusion and possible sadness. it came to my knowledge that you out of all people i kinda respected, including people who looks up upon you almost god-like; has this other alternate life created for your own sick and twisted purposes. why you had to do it nobody knows but probably yourself. does it have to do with insecurities or this is just a facade you want people to know you for? when i look at you now, i no longer know if that trust i carefully build can exist anymore. the million conversations are diminishing their truth and beliefs that i'm now denying that any of those things ever happened. maybe we do have our moments when we feel like we need to belong some place or more specifically to some one rather than our parents and friends, but subjecting to creating an illusion of sex, popularity and possibility jealousy is almost sick and twisted. this world you created not-to-perfectly; and i say this because yes, i am admitting i may get a bit too nosy & i have an eye for coincidences and detail; is a bit unbelievable don't you think? it is not as though you live alone in a house like Lars and playing pretend with a blow-up mannequin. you have a life and the way i see it, it is better than most of us will ever have in a lifetime, and yet the act you're pulling seems to crash everything into debris. how will i ever act normally in front of you without rolling my eyes and doubting everything you say? sometimes i manage to piece little slips you've made that annoys the hell out of me. i don't confront you with this because i figured you have your own battles to fight; whatever it may be.
so the point of this is basically in letting you know that i am disappointed. especially after making a whole lot of fun knowing that not too long ago a common enemy made the same sad excuse to gain attention. and i'm sorry for being able to notice these things because no offense, your mistakes can be pointed out quite clearly once you start piecing the coincidences together.

rule of thumb: attention to detail, buddy. you got caught because you were sloppy ;)

sticking to the story

bill georgoussis

i thought of going into a full-throttle bitch fit about the complexities of life's challenges but i better not. it probably does nothing good to my karma points nor will it make things any different. the feeling of placing these feelings into another form of emotion is confusing and complicated. so many things to complain about and yet i cannot think of anything to be thankful of at the top of my head. maybe a momentary pause to recap the greatness that has happened but even that takes an effort. i'm telling myself that this is part of growing up and that i must have extra faith in myself to get a grip and snap out of it already. infatuation or not, i already labeled this as being unhealthy. so why am i being a hypocrite for over-thinking the situation? (there i go firing off).
so what started off as friendly turned sexual turned emotional. then before any of us could get a grip of whats going on, he leaves, i'm like this, the end.

plus leaving the youtube videos of the songs i'm listening to non-stop does not help either.

pre-2009 end

i got so turned on by these pictures. sexy much? there's one body i could never see myself achieving despite wanting it since Lindsay Lohan's Over video came out. with the dieting and 2-year period at the gym unable to get as far, i quit half way knowing i was happier choking down super sandwiches, chocolicious sundaes & chicken wings. this year led to an all-time high on food binging with the company of fat-friends; thus the failure of looking as smashing as i could be. sigh. let bygones be bygones.
with the end almost only a few boxes away on the calendar, i am scrambling to compare this year and the last. and it's true, this year is definitely better than the last (so far, at least).

if we ever

there are plenty of songs made for this.

too many for one to imagine but Tiny Vipers' Dreamer would sum up how i spent the last couple of weeks of 2009 with you. and maybe after all the denial and the hide & seek we had to play among the others i am glad we took that moment away from our routined life. i may not know the intricate details of who you are but i would never consider you a stranger. how we came to be and how we evolved would forever be within us.

i am sorry if there were times i could not fathom your existence in my life by pushing you away a little too hard.

i hoped you could have stayed a little longer or at least gotten to know each other a little more. but this is what it is and i am happy that you get to start over on a brand new year in a brand new city, you lucky bastard!

i am gonna miss you J! :(

goodbye is the hardest end

today i felt solemn when i looked at this picture.

negative response

all of you can just go to hell because i'm out and done with this bullshit and pack of hypocritical lies that i had to endure just because i thought i had reason. but now that i know better, i believe i am destined to better things than being treated like shit. i don't need another man who degrades me in front of others just to look cool and powerful. and i don't know what your deal is when you make me feel invisible up to the point i feel like evaporating forever from your existence. it hurts to know that some people have that tendency to not think before speaking and going off just cause i am a convenience to them; knowing i will always come back. i wish that i can say that i am strong enough to just literally fuck off for good but that fact is maybe i do care a little too much. so far i have cried over 7 people in my life and you're one of them. because it is true, words really hurt.

replaced/misplaced

i guess i know how that feels like.

karma anyone?

air oil

so many things are heading in the same direction that i have no idea which to hitchhike with. i've been sleeping in a perpetual mess ever seen my kakak is staying with my grandfather in Klang. i am helpless when it comes to cleaning because i do them only once a month. i think the mess makes me anxious because when i am anxious i get messy. get the irony? my friends are telling me to seek actual professional help. like dialing some sort of toll free helpline. some even suggested Valium. but i think at the end of the line i would get a HELP psychology intern and Valium cost money and i rather spend on things which would make me temporarily happy. someone even mentioned that i have gained weight and that it is very noticeable. so i am anxious, erratic, messy and fat. figures why i am single and will die alone.

...

because somewhere out there, somebody is feeling the exact same thing.

it will be alright

i've been feeling lonely. but i know time will eventually make it alright again.

should've said something, but i've said it enough

hate is a strong word.
but you look like you can handle it.

hello fiend

Fiend:

• fiend - monster: a cruel wicked and inhuman person
• fiend - devil: an evil supernatural being
• fiend - fanatic: a person motivated by irrational enthusiasm (as for a cause); "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject"--Winston Churchill

like fucking satan. that's what this is. an easy manipulation. can someone be the serpent as well as the apple?

you existed; so i guess it can happen.

janggal

awkward advances.
used. bruised. abused.
maybe i don't belong here.
misfit.
serendipity is a myth.
wallflower; the only one, still am.
catch & release.
baby steps in fast motion.
untrust you. distrust me.
distractions.
unfathomable.
always the observer.
i remember.

your room

when you were gone, you had no idea how alone i felt in the big house.

and today i'm having major flashbacks of how things used to be. the things we used to do together. i will forever remember you be because you were a pivotal idol in my life up to the day you died. you taught me about living even after you were long gone. you made me wake up and move on despite having a bad day. sometimes when i feel like i feel the need to talk to someone when i feel completely alone, i just think of you and remember the things you would say to make me stop crying and to make me laugh again. lately i've been thinking about you a lot, especially during my difficult times and wonder maybe its you who makes things better eventually. i wish you could see me now and see to what i've become and hope its what you always wanted because i always do things for you. i love you Tok Mummy, and i miss you <3

numb start

slowly i learn to shut down. i will have ONE good cry and you'll never see me shed a tear again. its like how after something REALLY bad happens, i learn from it and when it happens again i brace it with a brave face. i think nothing can shock me to the core anymore. not that i am asking for something shocking to top anything off but i think things have been pretty shitty and i'm okay with it.
i love my friends here to bits. even the ones away. way away. i do miss them but the transition and busy life made it hard to really feel the empty missing feeling. maybe i am content. maybe i feel that i am not missing out on anything. just so many questions.
i wanna be here but i wanna disappear too sometimes. into thin air.

bruises vs kisses

i now know that i have people who loves me more than he does.
because unlike him, they do not dare hurt me like he did.
and its for a fact that when shit like these happens i have them calling me off the hook to check up on me and making sure i am alright.
and these are the people i have no ego to cry frantically to.
to make me laugh at the toughest time.

you know those things which you think will never happen to you? well i once thought so too.

knife

"when you are out there you can get stabbed which is worst. so consider this as nothing"


i fucking hate him.

oh and he said i am shit. well i'm shit because you're shit, you stupid motherfucker. literally.

bus stop

i cried at the bus stop holding a giant box of curry puffs, a packet of tissues and house keys while balancing a phone on my shoulder.
i puked at the bus stop holding a giant box of curry puffs, a packet of tissues and house keys while balancing a phone on my shoulder.

you made me look pathetic even when you are not throwing punches. or when you are not saying anything.