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meaningless conversation vs. faux opinions

why are you wearing a dress?
to look more ladylike. plus so that i don't look like a my-best-friend-is-a-dyke next to you.
but that is a good thing.
good thing that i will look like a dyke next to you?
yes.
*insert an indescribable facial expression here*
so at least i don't have to defend myself when other guys would want to shag you.
i think you are one of those psychotic edward cullen type of men.
that is a bad thing how? everyone wants to be an Edward Cullen
i am not going to have this fight over somebody who fucking GLITTERS. i pity whoever that actually dates you.
aren't we dating?
i guess not.
how come?
you just HAD to include Edward Cullen into this didn't you?


this is stupid. YOU are stupid. tee hee!

anime boys

i am not much of a fan of asian studs but this is beyond sexy. i am always amazed at how the Japanese could make them jap boys look so HOT in anime but in reality not every japanese boy you see has chiseled features and a 6-pack rack of abs to boot. however i see potential in these. like toffees in summer. yummers!

intensity at it's prime

Nicolas Vazquez; the man behind the lens, which i must add should be in front of the camera too ;)

MAKING OF Shooting VAZQUEZ NICOLAS from trya on Vimeo.

Okay so maybe i did not give props to this man as much as he deserves. The fact that he personally messaged me on Facebook proves how bloggers should give more credit to people who actually takes the awesome photos and not just who's on it. Here's for you Nicolas Vazquez. I must say kudos for the awesome shots of the dreadlocked chick. adding Nikkfurie's A la Mante was genius too.

http://www.nicolasvazquez.com/

on why we should switch places

Jay Mawson

if you weren't such a sleaze, i will without a doubt prick tease.

mr. chaos, where are my bones?

nicholas vazquez

i want to be her just as much as she is already me.

i'm ready to be heartbroken.

now that you are gone

i miss my friends who are at every part of the world right now except here.

pre-22

this is tragic as the other tragic stories i have lived with. today i woke up in a state that people in America would pay $300 for therapy with. i am almost at the verge of tears every 5 minutes. and listening to my own heavy breathing does not sound sexy at all. cold sweats? check! racing heartbeat? check! i know i've been writing about it a lot recently. with the escalation of work i suppose things have reached it's boiling point leaving me at this depressing state of shock. it's not that i get all retarded and cease to function. i still do my job at my pace but when the anxiety strikes, i feel like i am slowly falling apart and that the world should just swallow me whole.

it's almost my birthday and i am alone. alone and feeling like shit in my own room. a first with nobody to confide with at a touch of a button because everyone is just so far away. i cannot afford paying for long-distance phone calls now that i am paying my own bills. i miss my friends as desperately i miss doing the things i used to. playing truant, sleeping till the afternoon with no guilt or simply relaxing and being able to go absolutely crazy. i am constantly tensed and i feel like i am withdrawing from myself in every way possible. i now feel like i have to act like i give a shit or that i am super happy when honestly i am either really anxious or just plain numb. i'm crying now and it's making my back hurt. i don't even know why i am crying and feeling so miserable when i have everything going for me. it is not that i am ungrateful it is just that sometimes i feel like i am doing this because i am owing people my dreams. i am so scared of screwing up that it has resorted me to beg god in letting things fall into place.

i think of god more often now. not in a religious way but i think of god as a creator and the one who can determine my fate. i don't do things to get to his good graces or ask for superficial things anymore. i just think of him whenever i can because i know someone out there is putting a good word for me. I don't know why or how i deserve to have what i have right now because looking back, i don't think i have done great things to deserve the opportunity i've been given. which is why i worry all the bleeding time about screwing up and even losing faith in myself.

it's been a crazy year. and i am glad all of that happened. i am someone with very little regrets & tonight i'm just gonna wish myself a happy birthday with a little irony of the word happy. it's just at this moment i am not feeling it yet.

cheers.

shell-shocked

work today at 11pm (no mistake with the time-stamp)

new hair with Q&A curling serum

Shiny hoodie jacket from Kim

Fictional48 jersey singlet dress

gold matching casio calculator from Nicola

bundle-bought socks

good old chuck taylors.

there's just too many things running through my head that i cannot think of proper things to write anymore. i wish i could be Superman and fly up into space to think empty thoughts while watching the earth revolve beneath me.

chop chop chop chop

"chop it, shave it... do whatever you want on one side but i want to keep my curls..."

checklist

Things i want to achieve before i reach 30:

1. i want to be really good at something that will make people go "OMG you are so awesome at *insert talent*!"

2. i want to finish writing a fiction/non-fiction. when i say finish writing, i don't really expect it to be published or anything.

3. i want to earn at least $150,000 annually. at least.

4. working it at my dream job.

5. have travelled to cities written in songs.

6. i want people to remember my name. dude seriously? yes seriously. what is the point of living when people don't even know your name?

7. to have owned something which i've earned through my blood, tears & sweat. it could be a home or my very own business.

8. to have super long, healthy & sexy hair that would make hippies cry with jealousy.

9. gone to a concert so good that it made me cry.

10. have the guts & money to tell people that "Guys, i'm moving to New York City on my own!"

new york city

i want to live in New York City.

many people do.

especially with Gossip Girl & Jay-Z's Empire State of Mind.

but i want New York because do i feel like it is literally calling me over.

you know how sometimes you get the feeling that something is meant to be?

well i get that.

and no matter what i would want to get my ass over there.

it has been always my goal since i was literally a kid pre-puberty.

i will get there.

i must.

& that is my vow.

I WILL FUCKING LIVE IN NEW YORK!

jesus kristos

Greg Gex for the photoshoot "Dark Habits" with Ashley Smith

true story

once upon a time before Facebook, we all connected via MySpace. a cute Italian-American boy from the Orange County added me on MySpace. little did i know that he "found" me via a birthday search because true enough we shared the same birthdate. maybe it is his way of picking girls up or something but the "coincidence" was cool enough to keep me intrigued by this dark character. so we Skyped on a daily basis and even falling asleep with the webcam on.

he was applying to work for the US Army in Texas as a translator not much for actually fighting at war. he owned a glock which he showed me (by glock i meant gun and by gun i meant an actual gun and not his penis). as stupid as this may sound but after 2 weeks i felt like i was in love. now i cannot even remember how i felt like because the humiliation was too great. yes, i was an internet dork who fell in love with a stranger from MySpace.

how it all came to an end?

well we had an argument about how the distance was too great for us. and by then my plans of heading to Oklahoma was put to rest. so there was no way in hell any one of us was going to get laid with each other. he would not have a problem since seriously he was VERY good looking. probably he was a serial killer or a cat killer. who knows. but it was very flattering. at least i knew how he actually looked like with and without a shirt on on LIVE feed. plus i've heard his voice.

seriously this is the most messed up loser story i can think of in case someone were to think i cannot be more of a loser.

true story.

from new york, with LOADS of love

hee, my postcard from New York from Kim & Keon!!

word

my Saturday night

falling like this by kate rockland about falling in love with a rockstar.

how i'm spending my Saturday night.

my peace of mind

Wes Skiles; RIP 2010.

i am in LOVE with the ocean. watching documentaries about diving in hidden caves, lagoon discoveries excites me despite the irony that i cannot swim. i was probably a failed mermaid in my past life & thus i returned being a human.

annoyance #457

i live smack in the middle of the city. heck, i work at one of the busiest shopping district in KL. so observing human behavior comes naturally. so one of my biggest pet peeve is when a man carries a lady's handbag because she is too darn lazy to carry her own handbag. now there are instances when girls are allowed to have a guy carry her purse. i shall list them down:

1. They want to scratch they crotch/ass in their tight skinny jeans. This takes a lot of flexibility and a handbag may get in the way of doing such.

2. They want to try on another handbag on display at a store. thus, carrying the existing bag is not viable since they might not get the perfect look with the new handbag.

3. Shoving in a tampon.

4. Breast feeding

5. Have no arms

6. Have no shoulders.

7. Suffering from dementia by imagining their handbags' existence is to kill them.

8. They've forgotten about their handbag and the guy is carrying it to hand it to them and to remind them that they are idiots for forgetting their handbag.

9. They spilled glue all over the handbag, and when the guy got stuck with it. Then again i dunno why the guy would even want to touch a sticky handbag.

10. The bag is SO ugly that girls are too embarrassed to carry them till they make the guy carry them because he is obviously SO IN LOVE with the girl.

so please don't be a retard and let your boyfriend look like a retard carrying your tiny LV knockoff. it's unflattering & so not sexy. if he thinks he's being a gentlemen by carrying your bag, look at him in the eye and say "GET YOUR OWN GODDAMN PURSE!"

you speak of colors nobody has seen yet

Steven Gomillion & Dennis Leopold

i woke up feeling super uneasy that i was already wide awake, breathing heavily even before my alarm rang. my Sundays are precious to me because that is the one and ONLY day when i don't have to think about work or most importantly check my emails. Sunday mornings make me feel at ease. however once the sun starts setting, the anxiety kicks in & makes my Sunday night almost a complete wreck. sometimes i feel like i jump-started everything to soon. everyone is still leading the carefree life of skipping classes and sleeping till the afternoon. i wish i still had that or at least have the emotions of feeling at ease every single day. unfortunately i guess there comes a balance with everything that has been going on. with everything great something dark has to trail behind making sure that if i eventually mess up, it could catch me and make sure i am reminded of the negativity it brings me down. if i could wish for something i would want my anxiety problems to go away. to at least replace it with probably more confidence and humility in my own self. i think my anxiety has reached the point of being super paranoid about dying in a freak accident one day to waking up finding my entire family dead. that's how weird it has become.

9

9 ish months ago.

i was still in college; stressing over assignments.

Iris was light enough to be carried with ONE hand.

and Harith, well... i just saw him more often.

it's weird having this different life now. being without the people i used to see so often. talking about failed relationships on my bed after eating, pre-party make up sessions, drunken sleepovers, pillow talks, hours spent at Delicious going on and on about the same things which are surprisingly STILL funny, the weight we've gained together... it was nice and i actually felt content. we grew and it's alright because one day when we were to look back, we'll know that all of these moments made us who we are today. and with that i am blessed to have each and every one of you around :)

city girl part 4

one of those rare days when i decide to wear color. i haven't worn this overpriced scarf i bought in ages. overpriced because unlike my many other scarves which costs about $10; this one was around $100. sad considering we live in such a hot country and me for vanity's sake would spend on a piece of cloth meant to keep me warm. the air cond in my office is pretty cold if left for very long periods at a time. thus i am normally in layers. sigh how i wish i was at a country where wearing layers is justified.

work has been pretty much what i've signed up for. so no complaints beside the usual work-related stress which keeps my appetite and spending at bay. plus i am getting annoyed at the constant dust i have to inhale every day. GAH!

i want a boyfriend

if my title meant me looking like a desperate 22 year old, then yes i shall accept that. it is sad really whenever people ask me why i don't have one. as though i can give them an answer to such a stupid question. here's a list of stupid answers i can give to such a stupid question

1. i am so ugly.

2. my flabby tummy overshadows my vagina

thats what i can think of.

my best friends think the reason why is because i am picky. or that i am too smart. omg that means i am a geek?! a nerd?! a dweeb?! figures. if you've been fed with american culture on tv you'll know that smart girls are translated as being geeks. and they are doomed to be picked last or NOT AT ALL. plus they will die a virgin. well that last part i can scratch off from my Am-I-a-Geek checklist. but thats only one. plus i don't think i am super smart. well i can safely say i am smarter than probably your average 5th grader. HAHA. i suck at math. i still use google to check my spelling. plus i did get mixed up between Uruguay & Paraguay.

i think it's my face. people say i look angry all the time. i hope i don't channel that Edward-Cullen look! but even edward-foot-cullen can have a boring girl to fall in love with him. people tell me to stop looking and let the guy come to me instead. i've stopped looking because there's seriously no where to look. i am surrounded by people who either makes my digested food defy gravity or they are already linking arms with girls who are waaaaay prettier than i am. i have crazy curly hair, i wear glasses (GEEEEEEEEK!!!) & sometimes i wear unflattering clothes. tell me, who the fuck wants me?!

i wouldn't want me even if i was a lesbian.

steffi was right, i am such a failed heterosexual & an unqualified lesbian.

Iris' day out

too cute ♥

frequent answers

yes i was a part of the shit you idolized now.

and no i don't know where the fuck he is.

yes it is true, i am single & i attract gay men because of my work.

i am not jealous because my boobs are bigger.

staring at you most of the time does not mean i feel threatened by you as it could be because hello, you're hot.

no i would not want to dance with you to electro because that is only reserved for my friends.

having loads of friends who are quite popular does not make me any more popular.

yes i know them & no, i have not hooked up with them whatsoever.

and yes, i do know her but only in first-name basis & "omg, hi! *kiss kiss"-kind of way.

i am not spoilt because i don't ask for unreasonable things i know i myself cannot afford; i get those things anyway because i am lucky enough to have people to give me things.

and i know you bitch about my friends to your friends who are also my friends.

i do not like asking for favors just because i know the right people. so don't ask!

i am currently reading about the severity of my anxiety disorder which thank god is not too severe.

i am suffering from it now & i think will constantly will if i am ever going to succeed in life.

my current biggest fear is screwing up in my career that it will end with me getting fired.

i am happy to say i am slowly finding my way back to God. but don't expect anything creepy or extreme from me.

i am always wondering if i really do deserve everything that has been happening to me lately.

so maybe i am attracted to Chinese or Eurasian boys.

i wish i was attracted to girls but i'm not.

& no, i will keep my hair growing. you'll see.

learn to love

Thomas Vermeer

saw a cute guy while watching football last night. army green tee & macbeth sneakers. oh and tattoos too :)

please

wearing a hijab just to give the world a perspective of your holiness despite being a prick yourself does not make you eligible to preach your religious propaganda to the other parts of society who does not coincide with your thinking. your definition of modesty is a cloth which reeks of hypocrisy & bullshit. my definition of modesty reflects my way of living and thinking which is more logical than yours. who are you to question my morals & lifestyle when i am still living abiding to God's ultimate law of doing good to others and myself. did i somehow hurt you with my tattoos & possibly burn your fucking throat when i downed on a shot of vodka? oops, i'm sorry, last i checked my body belongs to me. in school we've learned that it is even a sin to hurt yourself intentionally. so yes, i understand why suicide would be considered a sin but my definition of pain is different than anybody else. so who are you to judge that i am hurting myself when i obviously enjoy it. there's pleasurable pain when you have sex for the first few times for example. so by saying we should not exert pain onto ourself, does that mean sex is out of the question? since we are doing in intentionally? then obviously there's pain when somebody stabs you in the face with a butterfly knife. so fuck you and your condescending facebook groups and your sex orgies under university stairwells. the next time, you want to wear a hijab, consider wearing that sperm infested bed sheet over your head.

this post goes directly to the people who has this mind-set that if they wear a hijab, they should be considered holy or something. yet, they have more sex humanly possible, they talk trash about other people, they walk too slow in malls while linking hands with their rempit-looking boyfriends & they always wonder why they get pregnant all the time.

Outlook good

I contemplated to write a million different things and various moments in a day. but then as soon as i reach the empty white box where i am meant to fill them up with words, i draw a complete blank. hitting the red x button on the tab was easier than forming actual words. Today i woke up 30 minutes prior to my blaring alarm; thanks to Ironside from the Kill Bill OST. today i woke up with a tad bit of the anxiety i normally get before going to work. had a pretty fucked up dream about my cat getting hit by a blue Satria on the streets of Telawi by a guy named Kal. random enough i had his call card in my hand and called him to harass him. long story short, i was then afraid he was going to kill me instead.

It dawned on me that Nicola is leaving in approximately 9 days to Melbourne together with the boys whom i've gotten used to this couple of years. come to think of it, we went through a lot of shit together. so i guess i am not the only one who's starting a new sequel in their lives.

work has been forgiving. and the opportunity i've gotten cannot be bought. i am thankful & for one of those rare moments, i do think of God and constantly thank him for everything he has given me within this couple of months. i tear up almost everyday on the way to work or from work & feeling completely blessed.

if you were to ask me how i am, i'll say i'm doing pretty damn good. this is the dream. my dream job and life. not too shabby for a 21 year old eh? ;)

mac city

my current work station.

so my office recently got the new Mac Pro with 12GB of RAM and 1TB of storage plus the latest Adobe Creative Suite 5 Master Collection. awesome? absofuckingly! i was the first to test the machine out with all it's glory and i feel so AWESOME! the machine is brilliant. my MacBook Pro is on the side for iTunes purposes as well as checking my Tweets & Facebook :)

lesson learned

lady drama

photographer Renam Christofoletti captured the drama about an uneasy relationship between two women against a bare white wall in this dramatic black&white photo session.